In a Nutshell

Thoughts at the end of a full, long, emotionally exhausting, disrupting and beautiful semester:

Being a part of a community of people for any extended period of time is an arduous journey and at the same time everything I desire.

God will use those who 'dont know' to teach those who 'know.’

Truth is relational (but not relative).

Modernism is not the enemy, and neither is postmodernism. They are simply the ways things are (or were), and each are both healthy and unhealthy lenses used to draw meaning.

I don’t bring my full presence when I meet you –I don’t know if you or I can handle that – or can we?

How do I live out the gospel in the midst of preaching it so passionately to you?

Transformation does not happen through information, but by encounter. People will not change by nice sayings and theory, but through experience, through engagement.

People come into therapy for a solution to their problem. We are to be involved in a process of translating the human heart into the language of the Gospel. This is not for me to simply say ‘God is good’ but to create a living experience of this truth with them.

A rough run in relationships for the past 5 years has made me want to give up hope - just in time came faith, hope, and love, and I guess I’m supposed to keep at it…hooray for hope.

“Father sing me into feeling.”

My heart frightens me in its deceitfulness and amazes me in its desire.

Spiegel im spiegel

Language. Writing. Being able to hold all that could and had to happen.

Snow on the ground = four hour gridlock.

My cash-flow is not ideal at the moment.

Life is not ideal. Changing a tire in the pouring rain in the middle of rush hour traffic on the last day of class…not ideal.

I have been blessed by the entrance of some people into my life. The unpredictability of a God that surprises us with something that is sweet, where for a moment, the true fullness of ‘taste and see that the Lord is good’ is felt. That is a blessing, and I am thankful.

I am continually drawn into repentance, my knees to the floor, by one thing: beauty.

Upside Down Kingdom

Taking a break from my faith hope and love studying earlier today, I had some lunch and in doing so came across a scene from Philadelphia that seemed to sum up a part of what this semester has done in me.

Andrew (played by Tom Hanks) is a gay man in the movie, talking to his lawyer, Joe (Denzel Washington) when in the background, an opera comes on. Andrew walks over to the stereo, turns up the volume, then leads Joe into the meaning, expressing the heart of the beautifully spoken words of the female opera singer as the song plays. He enters into her heart, eyes closed, ready to catch every nuance her voice projects. He describes her initial longing, and the suffering and loss that follows in the song, and then the increased desire that the woman says will be now open to experience with another, and then at the end, when the female opera singer is at the climax, he begins to weep, completely absorbed in face of love.

It was fitting. I sat there amazed, even startled. Right after reading so much on faith, hope, and love, I was led into the experience of the heart of the concepts by a gay man. The similarity between the scene and what I just read was almost eerie.

Someone so easily written off as a 'sinner' led me passionately into the love of God. Such seems to be the way God works, what the Kingdom looks like.

I thank this school and the people here who have shown me the humanity and the divine in what so often in the past has been seen as 'secular'. I have been humbled this semester by those who do not seem to 'know Christ' yet seem to reveal Him in such a profound way. Watch this scene and tell me this man does not reveal the glory of God.

The Face of the Other

I was just reading the interesting dialogue we have going on here in Seattle between Mark Driscoll and a pastor in the area(among others), Rose Madrid-Swetman.

It was great to read her comments about what went on in the face to face meeting. What most struck me was her comment:

"Words on a blog or on a paper are one thing—people in a room who those words touch are quite another."

With so much rhetoric on both sides of this dialogue, it is good to remember how easy it is to call out the 'other' when you are not sitting face to face, looking into the eyes of another human being.

How are we living out the gospel in the midst of our passion and ensuing differences about this same gospel? It was great to see both sides here appearing to act in the same love they so passionately preach.

Creative Perfection

Listening to a new artist, Joshua Radin, whose music caught my attention right away.

The thing that got me the most is the way his voice moves with the rhythm of the song (I would say in particular his song Winter). It shifts and sways in a captivatingly smooth conduct. Such a way that you feel he is singing it the exact way it should be sung, as if the song was inspired, like he is awakening something, bringing life to something in the very way it was supposed to be, expressing a beauty that is already written, waiting to be given life.

We have the ability to give life to things in song, give life to the things that God is waiting for us to create, to do so in a way that it feels as though the words and rhythms are said the exact way they were supposed to be. This composing creates a holy, sacred sound.

And that is what Joshua does. The way his songs travel, the way they move, so effortless, it seems as though he is bringing to life something the amazingly beautiful and creative way it was supposed to be given life. It is creative perfection. It is awakening, giving expression, a revelation of the beauty of God.

Family Time

Before the family got together this week, my dad sent the bros a picture from a past vacation, a time when we all had much more hair and a much better tan...

My mom didn't know that Matthew or I were coming this time. The night before I flew out my mom was at David's and I needed to get ahold of him, so we went into covert style, with the following text message:

'Roger 1 this is painted squirrel, just making sure that all the nuts are in place for tomorrow, give me a call when the eagle is out of sight - out.'

Operation successful, making for a good surprise and a good birthday for my mom and thanksgiving for everyone.

It was a shock stepping out of the mars hill world, leading to much reflection of the past 3 months of school. I was heavy from the weight of the program, the questioning that seems continuous in every fashion of experience at the school. Indirectly and indiscreetly it takes its toll on every part of me, something I didn't fully realize until I got on the plane and traveled away from Seattle. It is painful, this apparent feeling of an absence of God in the midst of this questioning that goes on. Though painful is not enough to describe it. It is like death. A song I have paints the experience when it says

'your silence is like death to me.'

It feels like death to sit in this deconstruction.

Yet this heaviness was lifted on the last night in Maryland, where a love that cannot be given justice by the use of words was expressed for our mother, whom celebrated her 60th birthday. Matthew made an amazing video that captured our expressions of gratitude and awe, with an ending verse from Colossians 3:14-

"Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity."

Amidst so many questions of what is and what is not in this program, my soul was able to rest in the reminder that love is on a different plane, a higher level of understanding, a deeper wisdom above what can be questioned.

Mirror Back

An interesting thought was brought up by my roommate when I talked about my guy friends of old, the men who did life with me at Michigan State. I was telling her about them and I was quickly taken back by the great amount of confidence that swelled. This then exposed some of my lack of confidence I have been standing in with my current experience at Mars Hill, the different man here in Seattle than the man who was at MSU.

Why the discrepancy? This is where Eden comes in, when she talked about how people reflect back who we are, both the good and bad. Those men back at MSU did this, they reflected back to me the man that I was, leaving me confident about where I stand as a man.

This was relived the other day, when Kyle, my old friend from MSU said, "Do you realize you are the hottest bachelor is seattle this moment??!!!" It was a rediculous comment, but nevertheless it felt pretty dang good to hear and it gave me the confidence I needed that moment.

And as for this new place of Mars Hill...I'm not sure, I'm more confused about where I stand, what they all think of me. I don't think it is in any way their fault - if anything that is expected when you meet new people in a totally new place - but it definitely has its affect.

The picture is in honor of the man, the myth, the kmac, who always told us to "step it up a notch!' Thanks for the comments Kyle, much appreciated.

Check the Label Next Time...

This blog needs a bit of humor, so I'll provide the best I can from the past week.

David suggested a vitamin pack that has kept him from getting sick for the past several months. It is called Emergen-C, containing 1000% of your daily need of vitamin C, but also other B vitamins and such to keep you healthy. I took the vitamins after our volleyball game on sunday night, and the ensuing night in bed strangely left me tossing and turning throughout. The next day after class I was talking to my roommate about it and she looked at the packet and pointed out to me the bold letters which read 'SUPER ENERGY BOOSTER'. Not just energy booster, but SUPER energy booster. Ouch. How'd I miss that?? Seriously.

Well, knowing how bad my body responds to lack of sleep, this may have ironically contributed to the fact that I am now sick. Awesome. Hooray for vitamins! Since they helped get me sick, I am holding them accountable now for getting me healthy, obviously making sure I take them at the right time.

Calloused Feet and Too Tender Knees

I was informed of news of an old relationship that has moved on to someone else
Something I knew that was inevitably going to happen or already was

Yet in hearing the reality of the way things now are, I was really taken back at the degree I was affected, and I sat in the moment, awkward and uncomfortable, and very, very sore

My mind was confused as it compared the past and everything that was shared with what it now imagines is the present situation – and the two don’t fit together, they don’t make sense

My heart is then forced to deal with the swelling emotions, and amidst much wrestling it cannot carry it alone – there must be some expression, some sharing. A deep need, an inexorable desire to divulge, to release this and have it held by someone

This need was met by a friend, someone who took the entire evening off from their own needs and diverted all attention, who took me on a drive, played me a song as many times as I needed to hear it, gave me full presence and space to be what I needed to be.

And finally, who offered me a story about a longing, a longing that my heart ached alongside with as the words were spoken. It was a longing deeper than any relationship with a woman, it was a longing for romance deeper than the reality of this world. The character spoke these words:

“Come, long expected love. Come, long expected love.

Let the sacred finger and the sacred breath stir up the pool.

Here on the lowest step I wait with festering limbs, with my heart in pain.

Free me, long-expected love, from this old burden.

Since I cannot stay, since I must return into the city,

come now, renewal, come, release.”

God, I praise and loathe this burden, this longing for you, this beauty and pain, this immense, enormous hope that you ask for again and again, and this desire implanted that will not leave.

Jer 20:9 “But if I say ‘I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,’ then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot.”

My Boy Brandon

After spending a couple weeks with the same kid at work, it has been hard not to get attached to the guy. His name is Brandon, he is 20 yrs old and autistic. To be honest, at first I was a little freaked out by him, he can be pretty loud when he talks in what sounds like gibberish, and usually rocks back and forth sitting down or sways side to side standing up. But after a little while with the guy, you're all of a sudden in a very interactive relationship, picking up most everything he tries to communicate, and enjoying his company.

Though I have to say I was not happy when we stepped out of my car at the park and I saw that he had a little accident and his pants were soaked. But then it hits me, and I realize how I am so worried about my car being clean and not thinking at all about a man who just wet his pants. This job is always humbling, pointing out my selfish attitudes and the great need there is for people who will look beyond themselves.

His single greatest pleasure is the car ride, and closely behind that is his love for apples. He also likes to pull his shirt over his head to play around, and this time as you can see from the picture, he fell asleep soon after.

Regina Spektor at the Moore Theater

To say I was hooked up is an understatement for this night. Eden and Nat got me a belated birthday gift with a ticket to Regina Spektor. And not only that, but as I came from work I walked into the theater to see that a front row seat was saved for me.

Her music is a little different than I'm used to, it has some jazz flavor and I'll admit, has a very girlish feel to it. But that does not keep me from seeing her brilliance. And she is brilliant.

One of my favorite songs is Samson, a beautiful description of relationship, and the betrayal that will inevitably happen in some way or another, but also the beauty in meeting each other in our faults and being one another's 'sweetest downfalls.' Something about weakness that invites another person in. Her accent, which gives her voice a divine, goddess like tone, makes me feel as though something holy and sacred is being said and heard.

Just Another Saturday Night

So after Eden's concert saturday night, and after heading to the Park Pub and then downtown seattle to a corner hot dog stand and mingling with the shady party scene crowd outside the bars, we ended up back at our house. And I thought the night had come to an end, but my seminarian friends thought otherwise, and a full fledged dance party began, everything short of a dance off. The best way to illustrate it was Eden the next day, describing the night as one big blur, not knowing what was a dream and what was real, yet she realized she didn't have a sip of alcohol the whole night.

Life in Slow Motion

I have wanted to talk about the title of my blog, Life in Slow Motion, and after writing my Faith, Hope, and Love paper again, I was led into the notes and ideas that inspired the title (along with David Grey’s great song titled just that…Life in Slow Motion).

There is a lot here that has to do with the past, present, and future. Dan has talked about the different kinds of time in class. There is the kronos time, which is the Greek word for sequential, chronological time. And there is kairos time, which is the Greek word for time that is held in the moment. It is the time that we have the ability as humans to hold, where along with the present we are able to engage with the past and future. We operate on this level of time over and over throughout our day, most of which does not hold significant meaning, like remembering what you had for breakfast or knowing what you are doing tonight.

But there are also certain moments when this time is able to hold for us the deepest, most intense times of desire and joy and sadness all together, where the implications, the importance, the magnitude of the past and the future are met in the here and now, as if that moment is a culmination and expression of everything your life has been about or long for it to be. The good and the bad, the heartache of loss and yet the hope and desire and even greater capacity for joy that rises out of that, all groaning towards the hope for what is to come.

Much of the memory I have of times like these have in many ways been found in past relationships, and what I do know of some of those times is when the girl was able to simply be with me, when she didn’t have to do anything or say anything, but we were able to just sit in the moment, we had such a level of intimacy that time appeared to stand still. That intimacy held so much of the past, so much of the longing for someone to know at such a deep level that was finally becoming real. It also provided a glimpse, a taste of the magnitude of intimacy that would be fully met in what is to come.

I look for that in the women I meet around me. I look to see how they sit with me, how they hold themselves. How they react when they think I’m too quiet or for some reason am intimidating, or even have an interest in me and don’t know what to do with it. How do they hold their heartaches and losses and desires and hopes when they encounter all of mine? Will they cover that up with another self? Will they try to be someone else? Will they talk so much just to fill the time and drown out any real meeting and showing of who they are?

All I know is that when I am able to sit and hold all of these things with someone (doesn’t have to be a girl) usually something amazing happens, something that allows for God to come in. When I am in community, when people are able to simply be, when they are present with one another and not trying to be someone else, that is something amazing. That is something that can create the moments that seem to move in slow motion, where time stands still and the past, present, and future convene.

...so after reading A River Runs Through It for class, I came across a section that seemed to paint this idea in the life of a fly fisherman. The character just lost the biggest fish he had hooked before, the moment standing still in time. He says:

"Poets talk about 'spots of time', but it is really fisherman who experience eternity compressed into a moment. No one can tell what a spot of time is until suddenly the whole world is a fish and the fish is gone. I shall remember that son of a bitch forever."

Mosaic

Today was a long day, in breadth and depth. It really started last night when our house watched Dead Man Walking for class, and the end was very moving. That started the emotion that would continue right up to practicum today, where I told my story.

There were a lot of potential experiences that could’ve happened during the time, and luckily traumatic was not one of them. It was easier than I thought, even though the environment did not seem to bring out the depth of my experience the way I was hoping for. Which was frustrating, but also understandable.

There is just such a longing in my heart for genuine community that I brought those hopes into the room today. This is one of the reasons that I am really enjoying Mosaic, a local church where I’ve been the past two Sundays. The community I have felt there evokes such a longing in me, a longing for something I feel like has been absent since my days at MSU. It has given me what seems like a safe outlet for expression that my heart is ready for. I have been holding back tears during worship the past two weeks when I see so many who are not afraid to express their hearts to God, to really let go and as a community join in praise – there is quite a spirit in that room. It is definitely not an emergent church/mars hill graduate school type church, but does any of that really matter when people just join in community like that? The community is scary, as are any new relationships that really start to have some depth to them. But I am looking forward to taking some risks there and seeing what unfolds. I am willing to take that risk for community.

As I was writing my I and Thou paper, I ran across Martin Buber's idea of what true community was:

"True community does not come into being because people have feelings for each other (though that is required, too), but rather on two accounts: all of them have to stand in a living, reciprocal relationship to a single living center, and they have to stand in a living, reciprocal relationship to one another."

Wave and Particle

One of the readings from my hermeneutics class was really good. It really emphasized what an understanding of the context in which the text was written (or spoken) looks like. It talked about the oral tradition of the text and how much that meant to the expression of God's Word in Jesus' time. Hebrew holds precise ethical and philosophical value concepts that belong only to Hebrew and Judaism and that are really untranslatable. Words cannot be learned simply as words without their complete historical context. Hebrew as a written language is skeletal, shorthand structure, in which the main process takes place in thought. Here is a quote from the article:

'For most moderns, scripture has ceased to be the guiding companion of life that resides in one's deepest layers of consciousness, influencing one even when one is not aware of its presence. Instead, scripture has become a literary object to be studied and analyzed along with the other literary texts we possess.'

This reminds me to make the text a story that enters every part of my day, something to be embodied, given life to. Not a piece of literature that one would lecture about, but more like a story that is told over a camp fire.

The last part of the article was an amazing example of what this thought can look like. The expounding of the text in its tradition is done with the words from Genesis 1, 'In the beginning.'

In the beginning...
which means:

in archetypal form-
with the power to be something in principle-
like a point which unfolds itself
in wings, in flame,
in all direction,
conceiving the idea of a universe
for better and for worse...

In that time before time and space,
the Being of beings,
the I-They-Who-Are
the One which is Many,
the Ultimate Pronoun.

Drew upon unknowable Otherness,
to convert into knowable Essence
two tendencies of our universe-to-be

the cosmic tendency toward the Limitless:
the ocean of light, sound,
name and vibration-
all that shines in glorious space,
that rises in sublime time

as well as

the cosmic tendency toward that Limited:
a formed and fixed energy which moves
straight toward goals and solutions:
the sense of purpose which we see in
earth, water, fire and air.

In Principle,
In Beginning-ness,

Oneness envisioned the wave and the particle.

Derek and Sandra

Last night I went and saw Derek Webb and Sandra McCracken play at a local church. Unfortunately Sandra didn't play many songs, Derek took most of the stage, but it was good to see him for the first time. I think I was surprised how much I enjoyed the songs from his Mockingbird album, they seemed to have more substance live. And I was remembered of his poignant lyrics, both from the new album and of old. He is definitely a prophet of this age, calling us to the truth of Jesus' upside down kingdom. The song 'My Enemies Are Men Like Me' does that for me, reminding me of what it really means to love our enemies (how rediculously hard that is - what does it look like to love terrorists, the enemy of our country?), and that I am no better than what I think is the enemy. Here are the lyrics:

i have come to give you life
and to show you how to live it
i have come to make things right
to heal their ears and show you how to forgive them

because i would rather die
i would rather die
i would rather die
than to take your life

how can i kill the ones i’m supposed to love
my enemies are men like me
i will protest the sword if it’s not wielded well
my enemies are men like me

peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
it’s like telling someone murder is wrong
and then showing them by way of execution

when justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed, just a little older that's all...

My 26th Birthday can be summed up as good times with good new friends. My roommates set everything up, yea they are great. As you can see from the pics, it was inevitable for the cowboy hat to come out and 'save a horse, ride a cowboy' to be blasted from the stereo. Later at the Havana Club we did some more dancing, and then some more dancing...

I and Thou - You, Me, and God - What will make our encounter genuine?

I am starting to read I and Thou for class, and while I will not get into the complexity of all this book, I will describe its effect on me.

It has to do with our relation to another.

To have a genuine encounter with another, we must approach one another in all of our humanity, and in doing so, we approach one another in all of who we are in God. When we do not relate to another as genuine human beings, we lose the presence of God. And if the presence of God is not existing in relation to one another, we lose the ability to relate to that person in their full humanity, as a human being, and not as an object. Both God and the fullness of humanity must be present for there to be a genuine encounter with another.

For example. If you come to me expressing how hard the week has been for you, I have three basic choices of encountering and relating to you. I can focus more on you, on God, or hold both of these. To simply focus on all of you, I objectify you. I treat you as an object, nothing more and nothing less. Now when I simply focus on all of God in talking to you, I take away your humanity. I tell you to 'just trust in God' or 'things will all work out for you in the end because God loves you'. This is an abstraction of the real you. It foregoes who you are and treats you as a means in order to find the end in God. This also treats you as an object. It does not take into account your humanity. It doesn't take into account what you think and feel, how your heart aches and longs. Now when encountering you I hold both the full humanity of who you are and the full presence of who God is in you, I encounter a true relationship. I hold all of who you are in God, which is found in honoring all of who you are as a human being.

Everything we are is to be given glory to God. Yet we cannot give glory to God without fully honoring the person. They play off of each other; the relation is reciprocity, a give and take. They must both be held. Where full humanity and full divinity meet, we encounter true relationship. One that honors the person because it honors God, and honors God because we honor each other.

May we hold both of these when we meet. May we approach each other recognizing and treating one another in the very deepness of respect, and at the same time know that this can only be true when we acknowledge the full glory to be given to God.

Coldplay, Dan, Passion, Therapy

Had another week with Dan Allender's faith, hope, and love…and it was just as intense as the first.

But some thoughts…my favorite song right now is from Coldplay, called Fix You. The song caught me by surprise, as I was driving back from Oregon with a sluggish posture, my body tired, my eyes heavy from the busy week and weekend. I was enjoying the mellowy Coldplay sound. The song Fix You came on and it started out slow as most of their songs do. I was half-listening to the lyrics, due to my half-numb state of mind. I was in a bumbed mood for several reasons, one part of the loneliness that wants to latch onto me once in awhile, and in the same way the questions like what in the world am I doing out here.

Yet suddenly the guitar started to jam out (like the U2 of old), and the tone and pace of the song sparked something in me, grabbed my attention. I turned the volume turned up, with the drums adding to the crescendo, and he then sang out several times ‘tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.’ At this point, my mood had suddenly been lifted from indifference to intense emotion. I was immersed in this song. I listened to it several more times, each time absorbing, soaking up all the song had to offer me. I don’t know exactly what the song was initially meant to convey, but by the time it was done, it meant passion. It sang me into passion. It reminded me of the love for all the things that really matter. It could mean something completely different to you, but to me in my story, the song meant passion.

I say this because that is what Dan also leads me into. I cannot sit in his class and space-out with a temper of indifference. And this is one of the main things I have taken from my time with him; a calling to not live in indifference. Not to side with a numb, unconcerned, apathetic, uninterested heart. This is significant for me as I have read some more about the heart, how it wants to go into repression when it experiences pain, a form of safety to never experience the pain it once felt again. Instead of opening itself up again it opts for no feeling at all.

Like the song, Dan leads the class into passion. I don’t think anyone could sit in the class and not feel anything. You would have to either love him or hate him. No neutrality. This has confronted my own tendency to lie in the realm of neutrality. I am a mellow person. Not that I think that is inherently bad. But I think I can often use that to hide from what is really going on. I don’t like confrontation. Like anyone, I don’t like my heart to hurt. And like anyone, it has been, really bad, and I have often opted for the choice to sit in or around numbness.

Like the song, I have been led by Dan into an arena that wars with our emotions, our pasts that lie in the present by memory. I have been led to enter into the pain, not in a way that accompanies pity, but an action that desires to mourn and suffer well, which will ultimately bring out a passion and joy not only now but in anticipation of what is to Come in the future. Most of the songs in the Bible were expressed this way, in acknowledgement that to be living is to be in a sense of pain, but at the same time in passionate joy. This is paradoxical, yet this is life. And Dan has asked us how well we rest in that tension, that of death and life. Will you choose more of one than the other, or neither one, or will you embrace both? Will you choose to acknowledge reality when it seems like madness? We are often not fond of the reality that God has given us. Where do we then turn? What addiction takes us out of reality, turns down the knob for a moment? What is this thing which becomes your idol? Can you take the visible failure in idolatry and let it know what its heart really wants? G.K. Chesterton writes ‘every man who walks into a brothel is looking for God.” Do you acknowledge the desire that God has implanted in you which finds its home in your own brothels? Will you acknowledge that you are looking for God!!! Will you stop trying to numb life through addiction and enter into feeling where you can truly experience what life has to give, and to embrace that well in the suffering and pain that you know will bring you even more capacity for joy.

How have the times when you have been betrayed spurred you to construct gods that are better and more pleasing to you? How have you escaped being an orphan? How have you avoided being a stranger in a foreign land? Do you use wit or just simply talk so much that you keep everyone at an amazing distance, or euphemism your way to escape reality? Our idolatry is an effort to find joy outside of God. What do you kneel toward (good looks, intellect…) to keep yourself from being an orphan, to invert reality? Will we trust that we will not be left as orphans, or will we cling to other saviors? It is not about life working for us, but a preparation for what is to Come. Will we be made ready in our waiting and our trust of what is to Come. Will we live well today in that anticipation. Will we have good wine in a real community that is not perfect, in fact may be very broken, but in that way know how we are all the more waiting well for what will Come.

Where are you desiring His Coming? A brothel? Are you able to see through this? To what your heart desires? Will you wait well? Will you, along with the Scripture, hold both joy and suffering together? This is true passion, true living. Not a passion that wants to escape the world and go to heaven but wishes to embrace all that is right now.

This is what we are to offer in therapy. Not an escape and simple solving of the single problem our client has come to us for. It is always part of a deeper problem. We cannot be plastic surgeons. We engage them into the story of life. Only then can true heart transformation occur. It will not happen if we throw a Bible verse at them. That is using the truth as a weapon, not as a transformative language. We must enter into the language of their story. Only then will the love of the Gospel make sense. Then we can offer them the reality of what faith, hope, and love is. The Gospel is to be embodied, to be spoken with action, and occasionally with words. This is true therapy, giving flesh and blood to the ultimate reality of the Gospel. This is also an engagement with passion.

Wow didn’t expect to go off on that tangent, but just got into my notes from the past weeks and felt compelled to right. Hope you made it through.

Allow me to Process...

Wow. The past three days have been that word. I wish I was a better writer so I could fully describe to you what I’ve experienced. I will try, but will only provide poor reflection at best. The richness of being in a room where Dan Allender speaks with passion on life is like trying to describe the sunset to someone who has never been to the ocean. Ok a little overtly dramatic but hopefully I got my point across!

I had 12 hours of class this week where I listened to Dan speak on faith, hope, and love, the title of the class. When I first heard of that title, it sounded lame, and I was not real excited about spending so much time on topics I had heard so many times. And I guess that is where the beauty had been all week for me; Dan’s ability to speak in a language that not only brings such depth and life to those words, but also his skill in bringing your own story and experiences into a head-on collision with them. I was completely captured by his exposition of what those three words really mean; how they touch every part of our life - past, present, and future. It was the opposite of reading a definition. It was like taking each word of a definition and defining those in experience and then constructing out of that a theme which best described what the word meant.

He drew out my emotions, some I hadn’t felt in some time and some I forgot I had. I was about ready burst as he led me down the road of pain and betrayal and madness and glory and redemption and the faces we have and the stories that shape who we have become. And again, all these words can only be experienced in the moment, in the context, like any great story. In the setting, the people, and the face and person of Dan. He is the only guy I have heard a girl say has a beautiful face where she was not talking about his attractiveness. It just looks like it has done a lot of life, seen darkness and joy in one experience after another. It is worn. It can quickly change to reveal a new expression that colors his speech. And it has exuded the passion of life and the Gospel for me this week.

The talks were not direct. He did not read his notes like the teacher going through a syllabus on the first day. The ideas were hard to understand, like Jesus and the parables he taught. You had to engage in the story he was telling and relate it to your own heartaches and disappointments and hopes and longing for reconciliation. Dan did not teach on what should be taught or what is more reputable for him and the school. He taught on his life, his story, the stories of so many broken people who have come to him in agony, hanging by a thread. It was life, not what we want life to be. It was more like listening to a song than a monologue. Hearing the beauty in the rhythm and the highs and lows that usually describe experience much better than words.

That was my week, put into words as best as I could in the time I have. Thanks for allowing me to process.

Escaping to British Columbia

I was lucky enough to get a crew (my roommate Katie, her friend Liz, and Liz's random friend she met last week) and head up north for the labor day weekend, just north of Vancouver. Despite some anxiety from the group during the week about what we were really getting ourselved into, we did come back alive!

It took us about 7 hours at least to get there, due to 2 hours waiting to cross the border, and at least an hour more getting lost in Vancouver. But we finally made it and then soaked in the wilderness for two days.

We hiked the Stawamus Chief. It was beautiful all the way up, and as you can see, the view from the top was breathtaking. I'll just stop typing and let the pictures speak for themselves.

Another Day, Another Taste of Seattle

Went down to the market today, and took a photo of the most interesting thing I saw. A guy on the guitar twirling a hoola hoop. Unfortunately I wasn't able to capture him while he was balancing another guitar on his chin at the same time. Why didn't we see him on America's Got Talent?

He was able to pull out a rhyme as I took the pic. "I ain't on the cover of rolling stone, but I did get on your picture phone..."

Addiction and Grace

This is the latest book I’m reading, recommended by Matthew as it was part of his curriculum at Wheaton.

The most significant thing I experienced in reading this is the distinctive link that freedom has to love. I had not really thought of love giving birth freedom in the way it is described here. It is unassuming to me, yet has made so much sense. This really has given me a different perspective on how the Gospel can be lived out. When I am not bonded/addicted to the things that want to usurp my desire, I am then able to direct this desire to its truest form, which is a love for God and an ability to express this love in freedom to Him and others.

This is more or less same idea of sin and redemption, but explained more in psychological terms, which provides a different perspective. Here are the basic thoughts discussed in the first couple chapters of the book:

God has created us out of love, the love that God simply is, for God is love. Scripture proclaims that this love, from which and for which we are created, is perfect.

Our life on earth is lived out expressing this love in a myriad of different forms. Though dimmed because of the fall, all that we do is in one way or another lived out in the actions that express the desire for this love. In many ways it is good – expressed in love for family and friends. And in other ways it is distorted, through controlling, abusive relationships, sexual perversions, etc. However it is played out, it all comes back to our eternal desire and longing to experience the perfect love that we were born into. This yearning is the essence of the human spirit; it is the origin of our highest hopes and most noble dreams.

Our freedom of will is essential for our participation in a creative loving environment. Free will was given to us for a purpose: so that we may choose freely, without coercion or manipulation, to love God in return, and to love one another in a similarly perfect way. So freedom is what is born out of perfect love. The love that creates us is not enslaving; it is eternally present, and endlessly open.

Working against this boundless love that gives birth to freedom is the powerful force of addiction. Addiction is the absolute enemy of human freedom; it is the antipathy of love. Addiction bonds and enslaves the energy of desire to certain behaviors, things, or people, and these things come to rule our lives. In addiction we are forced to worship these objects of attachment, thereby preventing us from truly, freely loving God and one another.

Most true addictions are impossible to get out of by our own willpower. By our own efforts, we are left helplessly unable to escape the bondage we find ourselves in. This also keeps us from attaining the perfect love we were born out of. We are unable to live out the commandment to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. We can dedicate our entire lives to them, but still fail.

Yet this failure is necessary for us because in this helplessness we can most honestly and completely turn to grace. Grace is our only hope for dealing with addiction, the only power that can truly vanquish its destructiveness. Grace is the invincible advocate of freedom and the absolute expression of perfect love.

Grace itself cannot be possessed; it is eternally free, and like the Spirit that gives it, it blows where it will. We can seek it and try to be open to it, but we cannot control it. Similarly, grace seeks us but will not control us.

Finally, a quote that I feel summarizes what the book is really trying to express:

I live a life infused by the bondage of addiction and the hope of grace; I think we all live such lives. Let us pray that our communal efforts will contribute to that primal, eternal desire that we all share with God: perfect freedom and love for all humankind.

First night on the town

I finally got downtown for the first time last night. My roommate Katie is just trying to start a music career in Seattle and she was playing at an open mic night in a coffee shop located in the middle of the city. A bunch of us went down and met several more students down there. I have to say I think it's so cool that my roommate is doing this; not only do I get to see her play, but it will allow me to easily see what's going on in the Seattle music scene.

The time spent downtown seemed to kick off for me what will be a time of unique experiences in a city that has more of a focus on the arts than most. Last night it was music, and I was able to see a variety of genres, from bluegrass to alternative, and some were really good.

Day 6

We made it! We left after lunch and took the backway from Yakima which Anne suggested. This took us right by Mount Rainier.

A little while later the city came into sight and soon enough we were at my house. It was very easy to find, right off of the major highway that runs through Seattle. I don't think I could've picked a better location, thanks to my roommate Katie who we trusted with our living situation and she came through. I think I will have a great time with the two roommates I have met so far, Katie and Meredith. The other two will be back tomorrow.

I am obviously in major adjustment mode, living right in the middle of this huge city. It is quite a shock to drive out of my street and be in the middle of everything. Looking forward to this new life here.

Day 4 & 5

Our last long day of driving was finally complete when we made it to Aunt Anne and Uncle Joe's place in Yakima, only a couple hours southeast of Seattle. It was great to stop for a couple days and enjoy their hospitality and the beautiful place where they live. Quite a view from their deck! It was also good to see cousin Tanya and her family, who were great to hang out with. Joe took on the kids with a squirtgun and I think he lost that fight.

Day 3

Yellowstone...we were told a couple different ways to get there, and chose to go through a path called the Bear's Tooth. It was the shortest distance from where we were, but basically required going through - or over - the Rocky Mountains. While this was not easy and took some time, the ride through the Bear Tooth Path was amazing; as good as Yellowstone itself. Though half a day was not nearly enough to get the experience that Yellowstone has to offer. A couple days of camping was really needed here.

Day 2

We continued through South Dakota where we entered rolling hills and sign after sign for the corn palace and wall drug stores. The morale was low as we were getting pretty tired of this state, until we came up on the Badlands. We were planning on going to Mt. Rushmore, but when we asked a guy at the gas station he said the Badlands would be worth much more of our time. After venturing through we definitely agreed with him. Right off the highway, it is a must see.

After the Badlands we finally entered another state, Wyoming, where we drove along the edge of the beautiful rocky mountains.

We ended up in Billings, Montana. We thought we could quickly get into a hotel room right off the highway. To our surprise it was full, and then the next hotel we checked was full, and we ended up scrambling around town to get an open room. We happened to stop in this city when a huge fair was in town. Luckily we were able to get the last room a little farther out of town.

Day 1

And it began...if for no other reason, my mid-sized sedan was paying off for this trip. The trunk was about to burst. Mom made a comment about 'wants and needs' as I continued to stuff it with clothes.

We started out early and made it all the way to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. And pretty much the whole way there, the surroundings looked about the same as they do in Michigan. Minnesota brought some big hills after the Mississippi River and then miles and miles of cornfields. Sioux Falls wasn't exactly a happenin' place. But I was able to read a bit more of Irresistible Revolution, and Chapter 3 is my favorite one so far, where Shane talks about his trip to Calcutta to live alongside Mother Theresa. Couldn't help but get very moved by what was going on there, where people were constantly giving of themselves. He described such an amazing community in the midst of so much pain and death.

Starting to Set In

This last weekend I was able to spend some good time with good friends. After my roommate Justin's wedding, Matthew and I were able to go next door to the Black Rose and meet up with Josh and Charlie. We had the perfect atmosphere outside to discuss what's really going on with us, and what's going to happen the next year. Our paths will be diverging to say the least, but we would still carry the common desire to live better. And living better was woven into our dialogue, just like old times back at MSU when we would have thoughts like what it would really look like if we actually lived out everything that we said we believed.

Reality of my upcoming move quickly set in when I said goodbye to Josh the next day, and I knew I wouldn't see him again for quite some time. The next step then came when Matthew headed back for Chicago later that night. Dad set up some last pictures. Hard to see him go.

The Emergent Church

Matthew pointed me towards a good article on the emerging church by D.A. Carson. He does a good job describing a movement that is not easy to define.

http://www.modernreformation.org/dac05emerging.htm

What the Bleep Do We Know?

Just watched this documentary the other night, and many of its ideas were very interesting. I had never really been introduced into the real thought of quantum physics, and the clear as mud theory is described as well as it can be in this film.

I would highly suggest renting it (I got it from blockbuster) and enter into something that attempts to change every way you think about the world. The only thing I didn't like is many of their views of God, in which some quickly make conclusions even in the midst of so much talk about life being mysterious and that we should ask questions instead of drawing conclusions.

Yet I did enjoy how most of the people on the documentary were interested in asking the question why. They were interested in some of the bigger questions in life, exercising the freedom we have as humans to actually think about what is really going on instead of just reacting to instinctual desires. Pretty refreshing to experience the passion of those who want to think bigger – and especially interesting to hear this from those who do not necessarily believe in Jesus as I do. I do not find many irreligious people today who are asking the deeper questions in life.

The part I enjoyed the most by far was the incredibly well taught piece on how our thoughts affect our body. It brought me to a new level of belief in the idea that you can change your life by changing the way you think. I liked the practical demonstrations on our thoughts and body that are shown here more than the way they try to link this to quantum physics. If you do not at least attempt to move towards more positive way of thinking after seeing this, I don’t think you ever will.

As for the more philosophical questions this documentary poses, even after days of mulling over what they had to suggest, it is hard to really know what to do. This documentary needs to be discussed with others after viewing, and I hope to do more of that soon.

The New Place

I think it looks really nice, especially the kitchen. It should be interesting to see how 5 people eat out of one fridge though, ha.

I have been praying that my roommates and I would have something special going on in this house.

I am looking forward to seeing what that will look like.