I was informed of news of an old relationship that has moved on to someone else
Something I knew that was inevitably going to happen or already was
Yet in hearing the reality of the way things now are, I was really taken back at the degree I was affected, and I sat in the moment, awkward and uncomfortable, and very, very sore
My mind was confused as it compared the past and everything that was shared with what it now imagines is the present situation – and the two don’t fit together, they don’t make sense
My heart is then forced to deal with the swelling emotions, and amidst much wrestling it cannot carry it alone – there must be some expression, some sharing. A deep need, an inexorable desire to divulge, to release this and have it held by someone
This need was met by a friend, someone who took the entire evening off from their own needs and diverted all attention, who took me on a drive, played me a song as many times as I needed to hear it, gave me full presence and space to be what I needed to be.
And finally, who offered me a story about a longing, a longing that my heart ached alongside with as the words were spoken. It was a longing deeper than any relationship with a woman, it was a longing for romance deeper than the reality of this world. The character spoke these words:
“Come, long expected love. Come, long expected love.
Let the sacred finger and the sacred breath stir up the pool.
Here on the lowest step I wait with festering limbs, with my heart in pain.
Free me, long-expected love, from this old burden.
Since I cannot stay, since I must return into the city,
come now, renewal, come, release.”
God, I praise and loathe this burden, this longing for you, this beauty and pain, this immense, enormous hope that you ask for again and again, and this desire implanted that will not leave.
Jer 20:9 “But if I say ‘I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,’ then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot.”
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