Creative Perfection

Listening to a new artist, Joshua Radin, whose music caught my attention right away.

The thing that got me the most is the way his voice moves with the rhythm of the song (I would say in particular his song Winter). It shifts and sways in a captivatingly smooth conduct. Such a way that you feel he is singing it the exact way it should be sung, as if the song was inspired, like he is awakening something, bringing life to something in the very way it was supposed to be, expressing a beauty that is already written, waiting to be given life.

We have the ability to give life to things in song, give life to the things that God is waiting for us to create, to do so in a way that it feels as though the words and rhythms are said the exact way they were supposed to be. This composing creates a holy, sacred sound.

And that is what Joshua does. The way his songs travel, the way they move, so effortless, it seems as though he is bringing to life something the amazingly beautiful and creative way it was supposed to be given life. It is creative perfection. It is awakening, giving expression, a revelation of the beauty of God.

Family Time

Before the family got together this week, my dad sent the bros a picture from a past vacation, a time when we all had much more hair and a much better tan...

My mom didn't know that Matthew or I were coming this time. The night before I flew out my mom was at David's and I needed to get ahold of him, so we went into covert style, with the following text message:

'Roger 1 this is painted squirrel, just making sure that all the nuts are in place for tomorrow, give me a call when the eagle is out of sight - out.'

Operation successful, making for a good surprise and a good birthday for my mom and thanksgiving for everyone.

It was a shock stepping out of the mars hill world, leading to much reflection of the past 3 months of school. I was heavy from the weight of the program, the questioning that seems continuous in every fashion of experience at the school. Indirectly and indiscreetly it takes its toll on every part of me, something I didn't fully realize until I got on the plane and traveled away from Seattle. It is painful, this apparent feeling of an absence of God in the midst of this questioning that goes on. Though painful is not enough to describe it. It is like death. A song I have paints the experience when it says

'your silence is like death to me.'

It feels like death to sit in this deconstruction.

Yet this heaviness was lifted on the last night in Maryland, where a love that cannot be given justice by the use of words was expressed for our mother, whom celebrated her 60th birthday. Matthew made an amazing video that captured our expressions of gratitude and awe, with an ending verse from Colossians 3:14-

"Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity."

Amidst so many questions of what is and what is not in this program, my soul was able to rest in the reminder that love is on a different plane, a higher level of understanding, a deeper wisdom above what can be questioned.

Mirror Back

An interesting thought was brought up by my roommate when I talked about my guy friends of old, the men who did life with me at Michigan State. I was telling her about them and I was quickly taken back by the great amount of confidence that swelled. This then exposed some of my lack of confidence I have been standing in with my current experience at Mars Hill, the different man here in Seattle than the man who was at MSU.

Why the discrepancy? This is where Eden comes in, when she talked about how people reflect back who we are, both the good and bad. Those men back at MSU did this, they reflected back to me the man that I was, leaving me confident about where I stand as a man.

This was relived the other day, when Kyle, my old friend from MSU said, "Do you realize you are the hottest bachelor is seattle this moment??!!!" It was a rediculous comment, but nevertheless it felt pretty dang good to hear and it gave me the confidence I needed that moment.

And as for this new place of Mars Hill...I'm not sure, I'm more confused about where I stand, what they all think of me. I don't think it is in any way their fault - if anything that is expected when you meet new people in a totally new place - but it definitely has its affect.

The picture is in honor of the man, the myth, the kmac, who always told us to "step it up a notch!' Thanks for the comments Kyle, much appreciated.

Check the Label Next Time...

This blog needs a bit of humor, so I'll provide the best I can from the past week.

David suggested a vitamin pack that has kept him from getting sick for the past several months. It is called Emergen-C, containing 1000% of your daily need of vitamin C, but also other B vitamins and such to keep you healthy. I took the vitamins after our volleyball game on sunday night, and the ensuing night in bed strangely left me tossing and turning throughout. The next day after class I was talking to my roommate about it and she looked at the packet and pointed out to me the bold letters which read 'SUPER ENERGY BOOSTER'. Not just energy booster, but SUPER energy booster. Ouch. How'd I miss that?? Seriously.

Well, knowing how bad my body responds to lack of sleep, this may have ironically contributed to the fact that I am now sick. Awesome. Hooray for vitamins! Since they helped get me sick, I am holding them accountable now for getting me healthy, obviously making sure I take them at the right time.

Calloused Feet and Too Tender Knees

I was informed of news of an old relationship that has moved on to someone else
Something I knew that was inevitably going to happen or already was

Yet in hearing the reality of the way things now are, I was really taken back at the degree I was affected, and I sat in the moment, awkward and uncomfortable, and very, very sore

My mind was confused as it compared the past and everything that was shared with what it now imagines is the present situation – and the two don’t fit together, they don’t make sense

My heart is then forced to deal with the swelling emotions, and amidst much wrestling it cannot carry it alone – there must be some expression, some sharing. A deep need, an inexorable desire to divulge, to release this and have it held by someone

This need was met by a friend, someone who took the entire evening off from their own needs and diverted all attention, who took me on a drive, played me a song as many times as I needed to hear it, gave me full presence and space to be what I needed to be.

And finally, who offered me a story about a longing, a longing that my heart ached alongside with as the words were spoken. It was a longing deeper than any relationship with a woman, it was a longing for romance deeper than the reality of this world. The character spoke these words:

“Come, long expected love. Come, long expected love.

Let the sacred finger and the sacred breath stir up the pool.

Here on the lowest step I wait with festering limbs, with my heart in pain.

Free me, long-expected love, from this old burden.

Since I cannot stay, since I must return into the city,

come now, renewal, come, release.”

God, I praise and loathe this burden, this longing for you, this beauty and pain, this immense, enormous hope that you ask for again and again, and this desire implanted that will not leave.

Jer 20:9 “But if I say ‘I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,’ then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary of holding it in, indeed I cannot.”

My Boy Brandon

After spending a couple weeks with the same kid at work, it has been hard not to get attached to the guy. His name is Brandon, he is 20 yrs old and autistic. To be honest, at first I was a little freaked out by him, he can be pretty loud when he talks in what sounds like gibberish, and usually rocks back and forth sitting down or sways side to side standing up. But after a little while with the guy, you're all of a sudden in a very interactive relationship, picking up most everything he tries to communicate, and enjoying his company.

Though I have to say I was not happy when we stepped out of my car at the park and I saw that he had a little accident and his pants were soaked. But then it hits me, and I realize how I am so worried about my car being clean and not thinking at all about a man who just wet his pants. This job is always humbling, pointing out my selfish attitudes and the great need there is for people who will look beyond themselves.

His single greatest pleasure is the car ride, and closely behind that is his love for apples. He also likes to pull his shirt over his head to play around, and this time as you can see from the picture, he fell asleep soon after.