Sunday, October 11, 2009

A Sunday Blog

I was about to lead a group. I came into the day room. A bit nervous but confident in the material, no big deal. She came up to me, angry and tearful, she was angry at me. I had turned off the phones in the room from the office, cut off her conversation with her husband who was calling in Iraq. I ended their conversation. She made her point to me, I had ruined her phone call. I tried to fix it, nervously telling her maybe she could call him back, she can use one of the phones. It was a weak, scared attempt to fix. She walked away tearful, me left in front of several of the patients in the room who are waiting for me to lead the group. I was exposed, in the wrong. I felt like shit. I felt like an idiot, unable to fix, stupid, inconsiderate. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.

So harsh. So harsh. The me inside of me wanted to punish. I will make up for it by berating. I will do whatever you ask of me. I will suffer, I will be nothing, just to make things nice again, just to not look like an ass.

I'm not worth paying attention to now. Why am I leading this group. They won't want to pay attention to me....

Wait. Wait. Wait. Slow down. Slow down. Slow.




Look at me. Look into my eyes. Look slowly, softly. Feel. Don't spin. Feel.

Have I not already told you? Have I not made it so evident? You will fail. You will be stupid, you will be an idiot, you will be an ass. You will be an ass. Thank you Jesus you will be an ass. An ass can know forgiveness. A tightass who has everything together doesn't. When you berate yourself, when you punish yourself and try to fix, you deny my Cross.

Somewhere out of what I have known, a strong feeling, a rush of grace, came in. I made a mistake, but it would not require me to berate my very dignity as a human being any longer.

He will never break your dignity. He may break you. He may call you out. It may hurt. You may have done something foolish, stupid. You may have been an idiot. Your nature is not idiocy. He will never degrade your humanity.

He will never be reckless with your spirit. He will never abuse your spirit. He will only be reckless in his pursuit, in doing everything, whatever He can to get through deaf ears. His reckless pursuit has a strength that is so soft, it will break and then hold every piece, have every piece held and known so deeply, He could never forget one piece. He is not violent. He is not an abuser. He is fierce. Fierce in softness.

I wanted to abuse. I wanted to berate. I wanted to kill my spirit. I was spinning. I was in need of slowing down. I needed a face. I needed humanity. I needed to know it was already done. And that is so sad, because He has died, He has suffered, He has taken it on, all of it, all of my shit. It is done, all of it is done. I still don't believe it. I still want to punish, I still want to kill. I still want to deny my ass-ness.

I am an ass. Thank you Jesus. Amen.


kiki5253 said...

You should update more. I stumbled across your blog while looking for stuff on Yo Mamma's Cleats.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

porn [url=]sexy city porno[/url]

prahlad said...

Work For Advertising Company at

Join one of the best Advertising Company of India. We pay you for your hard work. 100% Payment Assurance. Its a copy-paste work. Unlimited Monthly income.
For more details: E-mail us at Website:

Hoe said...

I know the feeling of doing something wrong, and making others sad. There is no way to undo all the mistakes and all the hurtful words that we have uttered.
The only way is to become a better person, and know that time heals everything.

Anonymous said...

[url=]prom dresses cheap short[/url] He was the ultimate dandy. [url=]prom dress uk[/url]
[url=]dress outlet shop[/url] vssgburg Food safety is always a major concern to consumers. mrmttadt [url=]mulberry outlet[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]thomas sabo jewellry[/url] Gold bamboo earrings are a must, as well as some twisty creoles. [url=]unique prom dresses[/url]
[url=]homecoming dress stores[/url] ybvvrhrx There's nothing worse than being stuck down front and being distracted by urgent bodily sensations.. psrkaeii [url=]mulberry purse sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]thomas sabo outlet[/url] In many ways, he has developed these themes with his new Astrobotnia alias, but it is also worth investigating Ovuca's killer foray into drum bass on the Lactavent EP.. [url=]thomas sabo shop[/url]
[url=]dress outlet shop[/url] cyjuccbf With some of the finest Bible software in the world, Logo Bible software endeavors to make personal Bible study an easier and fuller experience for the believer. poucannw [url=]mulberry bags sale uk[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]prom dress 2013[/url] Since we lost him we have visited a few other found "normal grey's" and realize that almost all of these colored cockatiel's look identical. [url=]thomas sabo sale[/url]
[url=]christian louboutin[/url] nshrhisz The heat in the pipes assist the the oxidation of the iron and the precipitation of minerals. mbymifso [url=]mulberry sale shop[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]vintage formal dresses[/url] It should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. [url=]plus size formal gowns[/url]
[url=]christian louboutin outlet[/url] ahjiflcp People move on and one by one drift some intentionally and others based on priority. esgtefgi [url=]mulberry purse sale[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]cheap party dresses[/url] The pad it is riding on protects it from damage as it plows merrily north but all around it is very, very geologically active with volcanic islands springing up and the world's nastiest volcanoes and rifts creating havoc.. [url=]black bridesmaid dresses[/url]
[url=]wedding dress cheap[/url] zydfaniz While crossing the plains a widow by the name of Mrs. wageersl [url=]mulberry mitzy bags[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]prom dress under 100[/url] Adu, that means it might just be profitable to feed tons of rotten groceries everyday into a fire that would boil a tank of water whose steam would lurch a turbine forward. [url=]cheap formal dresses[/url]
[url=]homecoming dress stores[/url] vzkihfhv From here you can choose to wax, seal or leave it natural depending on the look desired. kfsoxdej [url=]mulberry handbags uk[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]plus size party dresses[/url] and resident all year round. [url=][/url]
[url=]louboutin outlet[/url] pevhbibj The advantage of weft substrate is that it resists ripping or tearing, so if the vinyl is punctured, the hole doesn't expand into a large rip. vabvrjfo [url=]mulberry bags sale uk[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=][/url] 5 time frame vacation when considering 2000 which in turn happening. [url=]plus size formal gowns[/url]
[url=]plus size homecoming dresses[/url] sygtujki As real estate laws vary from state to state, most contain some common information. abpwhhkd [url=]mulberry handbags outle[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=]junior formal dresses[/url] Riders are expected to have knowledge of bike safety as we travel along the Pacific Coast Highway.. [url=]vera wang bridesmaid dresses[/url]
[url=]christian louboutin outlet[/url] tvycoyxh Under it, a 175 hp four-cylinder engine driving the front wheels is standard, but given the size and weight of the Sorento likely not the most appealing choice. qhjxpyxc

Anonymous said...

[url=]prom dresses sale[/url] Det finns en hel del alternativ riktlinjer f att helt v att hellre blir sv f den enskilde att v ut 1. [url=]girls prom dresses[/url]
[url=]christian louboutin[/url] xmlcvmja When courting, the couple receives privacy for most of the time and the parents act like they do not know what is going on to ensure that they do not embarrass or barge in on privacy issues for their children. kjawugsu [url=]mulberry sale shop[/url]

Anonymous said...

Nike haѕ been acсuseԁ of being
а real expeгt іn youг fіeld аnd
attгact аll the attentіon.
And I've known entrepreneurs who landed $15, 000 apiece, and self-serve shops often offer more flavors than traditional stores. Wishing you a multitude of ways to keep programmers, designers, visionaries and managers at the business office. It borders on business the absurd. There are shale reserves in Western Europe.

Look at my web site :: online internet marketing certificate programs

Jody said...

Wow. Love it. Pure. Honest. Raw. and still inspirational. Thanks.

Japan Self Guided Tour said...

I just carried away reading your blog. So real. Keep it up!