bringing the past into the present, with the hope of what is to come
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A Sunday Blog
I was about to lead a group. I came into the day room. A bit nervous but confident in the material, no big deal. She came up to me, angry and tearful, she was angry at me. I had turned off the phones in the room from the office, cut off her conversation with her husband who was calling in Iraq. I ended their conversation. She made her point to me, I had ruined her phone call. I tried to fix it, nervously telling her maybe she could call him back, she can use one of the phones. It was a weak, scared attempt to fix. She walked away tearful, me left in front of several of the patients in the room who are waiting for me to lead the group. I was exposed, in the wrong. I felt like shit. I felt like an idiot, unable to fix, stupid, inconsiderate. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.
So harsh. So harsh. The me inside of me wanted to punish. I will make up for it by berating. I will do whatever you ask of me. I will suffer, I will be nothing, just to make things nice again, just to not look like an ass.
I'm not worth paying attention to now. Why am I leading this group. They won't want to pay attention to me....
Wait. Wait. Wait. Slow down. Slow down. Slow.
Look at me. Look into my eyes. Look slowly, softly. Feel. Don't spin. Feel.
Have I not already told you? Have I not made it so evident? You will fail. You will be stupid, you will be an idiot, you will be an ass. You will be an ass. Thank you Jesus you will be an ass. An ass can know forgiveness. A tightass who has everything together doesn't. When you berate yourself, when you punish yourself and try to fix, you deny my Cross.
Somewhere out of what I have known, a strong feeling, a rush of grace, came in. I made a mistake, but it would not require me to berate my very dignity as a human being any longer.
He will never break your dignity. He may break you. He may call you out. It may hurt. You may have done something foolish, stupid. You may have been an idiot. Your nature is not idiocy. He will never degrade your humanity.
He will never be reckless with your spirit. He will never abuse your spirit. He will only be reckless in his pursuit, in doing everything, whatever He can to get through deaf ears. His reckless pursuit has a strength that is so soft, it will break and then hold every piece, have every piece held and known so deeply, He could never forget one piece. He is not violent. He is not an abuser. He is fierce. Fierce in softness.
I wanted to abuse. I wanted to berate. I wanted to kill my spirit. I was spinning. I was in need of slowing down. I needed a face. I needed humanity. I needed to know it was already done. And that is so sad, because He has died, He has suffered, He has taken it on, all of it, all of my shit. It is done, all of it is done. I still don't believe it. I still want to punish, I still want to kill. I still want to deny my ass-ness.