A look at prayer

It is not a surprise to me that the dynamics of my everyday life come into play in my attempts at prayer and meditation. When I begin to enter this space of prayer, there is an anticipation in me, a desire that is also very closely linked to a demand to have intimacy. Desire can easily be confused with control.

I sit, I wait, I want something to happen. I want to feel the presence of God. I want to feel freed up. I want. I want.....I demand. Wait. Now I'm demanding. God. Where are you? Why aren't you meeting me in this time? Meet me here. I'm annoyed that you're not here. Why don't I have peace. Give me some f-ing peace, damn it...Okkkkaaayyy. Let's try that again...

And there you go, the anticipation of a space of prayer, peace, and relaxation morphed into a time of contemptuous annoyance at life. Control disguised as desire.

And yet desire cannot be feigned. Control trying to be desire will always end up short, demanding what cannot be, what can only be given by being. And true desire can only be.

Which is where in my time of prayer there is a turn. When I know I cannot make something happen, I can only wait and allow for whatever will happen to happen. When I stop demanding, and just sit, still enough to be able to hear a whisper. The Spirit speaks in a whisper.

A mindfulness podcast spoke of scientists who oddly model the spirit of meditation, because they are continually studying and researching to uncover that which they do not know. They are always on the cusp, waiting for what has not yet become but soon may be.

So similar to prayer; the space where we learn to be ok with not knowing. And this is different than simply forgetting the whole thing. That is just avoidance, resignation. Prayer is the space where one waits, where one wants, and allows this want to take them to the eager expectation of what soon may be. Waiting for the next scene to unfold. It's easy to be on the edge of your seat in a good movie, caught up in those defining moments, those points everything so far leads up to and everything past will be affected by. Much harder to be caught up in the small, in your breath, in the sensation the moment offers. And yet it is in those moments, those supposedly dull, mundane moments, where the Spirit speaks, "There is more for you right here, right now, than you can dream of, if you would only let me bless you with it."

Prayer then is receiving, the receiving of blessing, and any blessing can never be given in coercion and control. It feels like a paradox, as I create space, taking an active part in allowing. Actively receiving.

Desire and control, they come off so similar. But get closer, and it becomes obvious that true desire cannot be feigned. A poor attempt at faking desire will end up looking like a frustrated, whiny, irritated, adolescent temper tantrum when things don't go the way control wants. Prayer is the practice ground, working out this old whiny self. Instead of screaming with my hands covering my ears, I breathe my way through what is being offered this very moment, and the next, and the next. I believe laced within these breaths is the whisper of the Spirit that waits, without coercion, to see if I am willing to listen.

Sun (Room)

The last two days have been 70 and sunny. Hallefreakinluia. Three days ago my sinuses were throbbing from my fourth cold of the winter season. After two days of sun, my symptoms are minimal. No, not a coincidence, it is one more piece of data that I am allergic to cold and an addiction to airborne isn't cutting it. I need sun. Thank you Jesus it is on the rebound with summer approaching.
The biggest sign of this in my house is my recent activity in the sun room. My favorite place of the house really. As you can see in the picture, seveal big windows that look over the neighborhood, and in the distance even the Olympic Mountains. This room lay dormant in the winter, an icebox not worth the effort of warming up to a respectable room temperature. Soon the sun will provide more than enough warmth, as it did today, allowing the perfect space for good reading, conversation, contemplation, and writing blogs such as this one.

There is one other upcoming event; graduation. It feels much easier and safer to write about summer, which provokes much fewer emotions, especially those that are conflicting...

MSU vs. UNC

I've waited to post in fear of a skeptic's jinx that any rabid sports fan would fear ensuing after one talks about their favorite teams before they play...but at this point, what is there to lose??? What has just transpired in the past couple weeks is what any sports fan dreams of all their life; both of my favorite college basketball teams have made their way through the tournament and will now meet in the championship game Monday night.

The championship game. And I can sit back, relax, and soak in the experience. No need to scream at the refs, get infuriated with the little things that just don't go my team's way, and raise my cortisol to near toxic levels. Ladies and gentlemen, this time I'm going to enjoy the ride. I will now wait for one of the strangest moments of my sports life as I watch one of my teams lose the title, and one of my teams win. And don't worry, I'm definitely going to focus on the latter.

I have to say that I will definitely be biased towards Michigan State, my alma mater, maybe unconsciously because of the fact that any of my fellow Spartans whom I spent my time with in East Lansing would have my head if they knew I was cheering for North Carolina. Bros, be assured that I'm going for MSU.

I mean, what a story, the Spartans beating an incredibly good 10 seeded USC team (who won the Pac-10 tournament), the Big 12 winner and defending national champ Kansas, followed by Louisville, the then deemed best team in the country who was beating teams by 40 points. Next was UConn, another one of the Big East's best teams (the Big East was called one of the best conferences ever this year...to beat the two best teams is incredible). Imagine now, if they could pull off the championship by beating UNC, the pre-season #1, predicted to win it all before anything began. In and for a city and state that sums up the economic down turn. Doesn't get any better than this.

And they can do it. If they play like they have, they will win. Simple as that. And if they lose, well...shoot, my other favorite team wins it all...life is rough :)

But GO STATE!!!