Risky Worship

"Even the most courageous among us only rarely has the courage for that which he really knows." - Nietzsche

In Isaiah 30:9-11, the people ask the prophet for illusions. They want to hear 'pleasant things', things that will make them feel nice. They don't want to hear the truth. They want lies. They ask for pretense.

And that is me. Because I know that if I really were to let myself express the deeply hidden, tender wounds of my heart, I would most likely weep uncontrollably - and if I really let myself go, I would probably destroy the very room I am in. I got to experience a bit of that feeling of truth this past week, and it felt like grace to have someone say he would vouch for me in my desire to throw a chair through the wall. That my story is worth more than a room was new to me.

It is even more new for me to hear that God would call that worship. I'd much rather take the easier route of worship and sing songs on Sunday than take the risk of valuing my story enough to actually let it affect me, and those things (or people) around me.

Severe Rush of Life

Self-portrait

It doesn’t interest me if there is one God
Or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
Abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
If you are prepared to live in the world
With its harsh need
To change you. If you can look back
With firm eyes
Saying this is where I stand. I want to know
If you know
How to melt into that fierce heat of living
Falling toward
The center of your longing. I want to know
If you are willing
To live, day by day, with the consequence of love
And the bitter
Unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have been told, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.

-David Whyte
From Fire In the Earth

Can I speak of a God who creates a love that He cannot even control? Can I know a God who allows His own self to not know, to wait, expectantly sit, and let His creation experience the beautiful and dreadful tenacity of love? In that moment, even the gods speak of God. Where God takes a deep breath and experiences the severe rush of life.

If this is not the case, can God not be moved?

Caleb

This weekend at class we got into some good niece and nephew moments, and I brought up one of my favorite ones I had heard of from my nephew Caleb, the coolest 3 year old around, a little miniature, uninhibited version of my older brother.

Caleb came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, flailing around, shouting, "mommy, mommy, look at my penis! It's huge! My penis is huge!"

Raw, uncut Caleb right there. How cool is it to see the freedom in pronouncing whatever it is he is excited about. How cool is that and how sucky is it when shame comes in. I think I have some serious envy in that freedom of self-expression. He cracks me up so much. So joyful to see his face light up, his playful side completely illuminated. I delight in his foolishness. How much I wish I could delight in my own foolishness.









What a stud.

Rich

More and more I see how it is in the surprise, and not formulation, where life's richest experiences lay. How often is it that in the conversation where you really see the other person, it is not formulated by control, but in the letting go to let yourself be who you are. In the risk of allowing yourself to really be seen, to really be known, and to have someone delight in that presence - that feels like really living.

I believe that it is in the idiosyncrasies where we fall in love, the little things that can only come from the whole of who we are - it had always been that look that could've only been hers when she had my heart. Sitting with close friends, it is not the topic of conversation, but simply the people you are with. And it is not in the joke, but the ensuing laugh that can only be yours that makes the moment.

It is surprise, it is the grace that comes in not because of what you have done, but what you have allowed there to be. Strange how it feels like grace for me to actually allow myself to enter into conversations with people who will simply enjoy the part of me that is really me. And those relationships feel like grace, because they are so rich, and they have so much life.

My Inner World

True freedom for me has everything to do with my ability to believe in the fact that I am worth it to be free.